Progressives and Conservatives Bring It On in St. Peters Square

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 31, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — After dancing around each other in various columns and speeches since the close of the 2014 Synod of Bishops on the Family, representatives of the progressive and conservative cohorts of the Roman Catholic Church have finally decided to bring matters to a head with an arm-wrestling contest in St. Peter’s Square.

Representing the progressive side is Sr. Mary Immaculata O’Finian O’Toole, a bit long in the tooth but still full of vim and vigor. She is head of the local chapter of the LCWR, a volunteer for Nuns on the Bus, and a passionate defender of Vatican II and the social teachings of the Catholic Church. Representing the conservative side is Mr. Eberhardt Richtig, a Third Degree Knight of Columbus and Vice President of the Holy Name Society in his parish, Sts. Melodius and Catheter. Mr. Richtig also organizes the Natural Family Planning outreach for his parish.

Crowds in St. Peter's SquareThe contest started at noon today, Rome time, with ever-increasing crowds gathering around as word got out on social media. So far the crowd has been reasonably well-behaved, limiting themselves to shouting out encouragement to their champions and theologically heckling the other side.

“Hey! Who appointed you arbiter of all that is orthodox? Didn’t you read John O’Malley in America Magazine?” shouted one supporter of Sr. O’Finian O’Toole.

“Yeah! ‘A self-identification without credentials to validate the claim!’” roared another. “Booyah!!!”

“Afraid of a little Christianity?” heckled a third. “Read the New Testament, will ya??? And either learn a little something about natural law or stop quoting it, for Heaven’s sake!!!”

Supporters of Mr. Richtig responded in kind. “You always want everything to be so logical! Sometimes you just need to hang onto the faith and believe!” bawled one. “And go read Douthat’s response!”

“You’re always trying to reform authority when you should be reinforcing it!” bellowed another. “It’s how we know who we are and how we keep tradition alive!”

“You can’t cave in on doctrinal or moral issues or the Church will wither and die!” pleaded a third.

As of this writing, brows have been mopped and water and snacks provided to the wrestlers.

The contest goes on.