Pope Francis: OMG Stop Firing Gay People

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
December 5, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — According to several people familiar with the conversation, Pope Francis was heard sounding off in a quite vexed manner about the too-popular habit of firing staff who have violated the letter of the law when it comes Church doctrine or teachings, but only after such violations have become public.

(NOTE: What follows is an informal English translation by our young staffer at the Vatican of the gist of the Pope’s concerns. It is expected that neither the official Italian version or an official English translation will be made available.) 

“Oh.  My.  God,” the Pope is reported to have said. “What is with these people? All the firings of the faithful who have been known for years to be gay? Or living together outside marriage? But only after it becomes public knowledge?! What, were these actions not considered sins before, when everyone involved knew exactly what was going on? And now with the contracts??”

cincinnati teachers contract

“Here’s the problem,” he continued. “When you fire someone, you make it a thing. It’s in the news. Then the person reacts, and there is a lawsuit. So it creates another thing. Then there’s a third thing, because none of this would have happened had the information not become public, which makes it about the publicity, not the action itself. This paints the Church into a corner, having to deal with all these self-inflicted things, out of which no good could possibly come. That church music director in Chicago? I just put the new archbishop in place there, and now he has to deal with this? And those teacher contracts with morality clauses in Cincinnati? All they do is make the firing more efficient. No wonder we’ve lost an entire generation of young people.” The Pope shook his head. “This is a scandal. The valuing of the appearance of purity above all else.”

The Pope was then reported to go off to pray.

Pope Praying