Synod 2015 Searching for Contracepting, Cohabiting, Divorced, and Gay Couples to Testify

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 23, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — According to several people familiar with next year’s plans for the 2015 Synod of Bishops on the Family, organizers are looking for users of artificial contraception, cohabiting couples, gay Catholics, and the divorced and remarried to act as “auditors” to testify before the bishops. Our sources spoke on condition of anonymity because they are prohibited from publicly discussing the plans, but noted that they wanted to find Catholics who were wounded, damaged, and broken—in effect, the smelly sheep on the margins of the laity. “We want to get some actual sinners in there, you know, the intrinsically disordered,” said one source. “Many of these bishops don’t have much pastoral experience, so it would be good for them to meet these wounded and broken people close up. If they were wowed by the Australian couple testifying about their friends’ inviting their gay son and his partner to Christmas dinner, this group is sure to steal the show, to say nothing of spinning a few mitres.” Another source noted that such auditors shouldn’t be hard to find, as together they make up an overwhelming majority of the faithful, at least in the West.

Fearing Conservative Backlash, Synod Bishops Suggest Scripture Change

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 16, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — An updated English translation for the New Testament has been suggested today by a group of bishops attending the Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops in the Vatican. The change would remove the word “welcome” and replace it with “make provision for,” especially in those verses relating to people considered to be the “smelly sheep on the margins.” Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, explained the impetus behind the change. “For example, in Matthew 25, it would reduce confusion among the faithful if it read, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you made provision for me.’ And this one,” he continued, “from Luke, describing the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttering about Jesus. ‘This man makes provision for sinners, and eats with them.’ We don’t want to give the wrong impression. The current wording is too vague and liberal sounding. And well have to see about that whole ‘eating with them’ thing,” he said. “We don’t want the faithful to misinterpret the Gospels and think that it’s okay to sin. Going forward, we also think it’s more comfortable to ‘make provision’ for one another as Christ ‘made provision’ for us.”

When asked why only the English translation of the New Testament is being considered for such changes, Cardinal Pizzicato replied, “I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.”

Vatican Advises Lying No Longer Necessary for Marriage

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
September 15, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, has issued an advisory to all diocese worldwide informing them that lying about co-habitation is no longer a requirement for Catholic preparation for the sacrament of matrimony. “We know the vast majority of young people don’t heed the Church’s teachings on matters sexual, or even go to church for that matter. So this advisory comes at a good time, to highlight the importance of transparency in the workings of the Church,” he said. “Anyway,” Cardinal Pizzicato continued, “Pope Francis just married 20 couples, some of whom had been living in sin. As you know, the Church is governed as an absolute monarchy, with the Head of State being the Pope. He has full legislative, executive, and judicial powers. So if it’s good enough for him,” the Cardinal said, throwing up his hands, “it’s good enough for me.”

Pizzicato told TPF that while the status quo, in which the faithful ignored the bishops and the bishops ignored the faithful ignoring them, has worked in the past, the winds of change are blowing in a new direction, and it’s incumbent upon the curial bureaucracy to look like it’s accommodating them.

The Vatican’s Congregation for Pontifical Councils quickly clarified that neither the Pope’s private conversations nor his public actions necessarily reflect church policy.