Pope Announces New Congregation Charged with Noticing the Modern World

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
December 1, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — The Vatican announced today that as part of the reorganization of the Roman Curia, Pope Francis is establishing a new congregation charged with the study the modern world. Called the Congregation for Modernity, it is to be headed by Archbishop Madre del Dio Obviamente.

“Ever since the Enlightenment,” said Archbishop Obviamente, “and especially since the First Vatican Council, the Church and the modern world have had a bit of a rocky relationship. The church is slowly starting to recognize, if not outright admit, that some teachings from that time, although considered ‘doctrine,’ may have in fact been slightly flawed. This includes the papacy’s longstanding condemnations of freedom of conscience, freedom of religion for other faiths, freedom of speech, participation in elections, democracy, historical analysis, ecumenism, literary criticism of the Bible, and the study of the early Church Fathers.”

“As it says in Vatican II’s Gaudium et Spes,” he continued, “we must notice ‘the whole human family along with the sum of those realities in the midst of which it lives; that world which is the theater of man’s history, and the heir of his energies, his tragedies and his triumphs.’ Thus, it is time to consider the advancements the modern world has made, in accordance with the natural law, and in light of the actions of the Holy Spirit, who can choose to work outside the friendly confines of Holy Mother the Church.”

When asked the scope of the new Congregation’s inquiry, the Archbishop replied that it would delve into what the secular world considers “progress,” focusing in particular on issues of good governance, including democracy, fair representation, checks and balances, the rule of law, free speech, accountability, transparency, and modern standards of justice. When asked whether any lessons learned would be applied to the governance of the Church itself, Archbishop Obviamente had no comment. He also noted that while the modern world has made great progress concerning the rights of women, the question of gender equality in the Church will not be addressed, due to the special dignity in which women are held.

Other sources in the Vatican were quick to point out that while the Congregation for Modernity is studying the matter, it should not be inferred that any doctrine will ever change. Likewise, Vatican City State will continue to be governed as an absolute monarchy, with the Pope as the Head of State, holding full legislative, executive and judicial powers.

Bishops Accuse God of Massive Screwup by Creating Gays

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 22, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — A cardinal, who declined to be named as he is not authorized to comment, has reported on background of a growing discontent among a small group of bishops. They are disturbed not only with Pope Francis, but with the Almighty Himself. “You know, some of us are beginning to think that the deity has just royally screwed up by creating people who are gay,” he said. “You have to wonder if He even knew what He was doing. Applying the bell curve to the whole sexuality thing? Making some people straight, some people gay, and some people bisexual? What’s up with that? Same mistake in the animal world, too,” he continued. “It’s a mystery.”

The cardinal expressed concern that this particular aspect of God’s creation sows confusion among the faithful. “I mean really, how are we supposed to run a church based on the traditional family when there are all these gay people running around wanting their unions recognized? Many of us feel that love and mercy and hanging out with sinners is all well and good, but it’s a hell of a way to run a two-thousand-year-old institution. It just throws a wrench into the whole business. It perplexes the faithful; pretty soon they’ll be questioning what ‘intrinsically disordered’ even means. You have to draw the line somewhere. This business about hating the sin but loving the sinner is really just so much smoke and mirrors; nobody believes it anyway. If a person is intrinsically disordered, and God created that person, then God screwed up.”

Conservative Bishops Claim Faithful Easily Confused If Not Gobsmackingly Stupid

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 22, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)

VATICAN CITY (TPF) — In the wake of the 2014 Synod of Bishops on the Family, conservative bishops are voicing serious concerns about the effect of Synod will have on the faithful.

“They’re out there, all by themselves,” said one archbishop, speaking on background, “having to navigate around in the secular world, with all the sex and media and agendas of evil and dictatorships of relativism and whatnot. And then the Pope goes and opens up all these settled questions for discussion,” he said, throwing up his arms. “What are the people to think? It must be giving them enormous anxiety to see their structure of authority shaken. I mean if the Church can’t judge, who can? Love and mercy are all well and good, but they hardly suffice today. You need rules and regulations to maintain pristine doctrinal purity. What we have now is a big mess. I don’t know how the people will handle it,” he sighed. “This confusion is of the devil.”

Meanwhile, The Pope’s Fool News Service reports this from our person on the street, Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center in Chicago. “You know, some part of me feels a little sorry for these guys. They’ve built their whole lives around a certain framework of doctrine, as well as obedience to the Pope, and now all of a sudden it’s all upside down. I get it. But hey, that’s life. You just have to do the best you can.”

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays (UPDATED)

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
Updated October 17, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

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UPDATE: Some words in the English translation of the relatio post disceptationem or interim report of the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family have been changed.

The AP reports that “A section initially titled ‘Welcoming homosexuals’ is now ‘Providing for homosexual persons,’ and the tone of the text is significantly colder and less welcoming. … The first version asked if the church was capable of ‘welcoming these people, guaranteeing to them a fraternal space in our communities.’ The new version asks if the church is capable of providing for these people, guaranteeing … them … a place of fellowship in our communities.'”

The the original Italian version of the relatio remains the official text, and still contains the original “welcoming” language, leading an Italian cardinal to wonder if Italy would see an influx of gay Catholics yearning to be welcomed into the Church, rather than just being provided for.

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 14, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to wounded, damaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

The Pope’s Fool News Service asked our person on the street, Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center, for a reaction. Rolling her eyes, she said, “The pathetic thing is that changing vocabulary from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is considered earth-shaking progress. When they start ordaining women, gay or otherwise, I’ll start paying attention.”