Papal Infallibility Switch Found in Vatican Library

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 26, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — The Vatican Library reports that the Papal Infallibility Switch has been located after a long search in the Vatican Archives. A group of prelates from the Roman Curia has taken possession of it. “Who knew there was really a switch?” asked Cardinal Jann Lazzamotti, Prefect of the Pontifical Council for Tribunals. “But when we found it, we flipped that sucker right off,” he said. “It actually looked a little worse for the wear, which makes sense, considering all the mandatums and investigations and silencings of the past few decades, to say nothing of that whole ‘not infallible but irreformable’ thing, which also took a toll, if indirectly. And now that Francis is the Pope,” he continued, sighing, “It’s probably best to give it a rest.”

The Library also reports that the search continues for the Intrinsically Disordered Stamp, known as the Timbro Intrinsecamente Disordinati, which is rumored to exist yet has not been located, despite its constant use.

Papal Infallibility Switch   Intrinsically Disordered Stamp

Synod 2015 Searching for Contracepting, Cohabiting, Divorced, and Gay Couples to Testify

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 23, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — According to several people familiar with next year’s plans for the 2015 Synod of Bishops on the Family, organizers are looking for users of artificial contraception, cohabiting couples, gay Catholics, and the divorced and remarried to act as “auditors” to testify before the bishops. Our sources spoke on condition of anonymity because they are prohibited from publicly discussing the plans, but noted that they wanted to find Catholics who were wounded, damaged, and broken—in effect, the smelly sheep on the margins of the laity. “We want to get some actual sinners in there, you know, the intrinsically disordered,” said one source. “Many of these bishops don’t have much pastoral experience, so it would be good for them to meet these wounded and broken people close up. If they were wowed by the Australian couple testifying about their friends’ inviting their gay son and his partner to Christmas dinner, this group is sure to steal the show, to say nothing of spinning a few mitres.” Another source noted that such auditors shouldn’t be hard to find, as together they make up an overwhelming majority of the faithful, at least in the West.

Bishops Accuse God of Massive Screwup by Creating Gays

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 22, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — A cardinal, who declined to be named as he is not authorized to comment, has reported on background of a growing discontent among a small group of bishops. They are disturbed not only with Pope Francis, but with the Almighty Himself. “You know, some of us are beginning to think that the deity has just royally screwed up by creating people who are gay,” he said. “You have to wonder if He even knew what He was doing. Applying the bell curve to the whole sexuality thing? Making some people straight, some people gay, and some people bisexual? What’s up with that? Same mistake in the animal world, too,” he continued. “It’s a mystery.”

The cardinal expressed concern that this particular aspect of God’s creation sows confusion among the faithful. “I mean really, how are we supposed to run a church based on the traditional family when there are all these gay people running around wanting their unions recognized? Many of us feel that love and mercy and hanging out with sinners is all well and good, but it’s a hell of a way to run a two-thousand-year-old institution. It just throws a wrench into the whole business. It perplexes the faithful; pretty soon they’ll be questioning what ‘intrinsically disordered’ even means. You have to draw the line somewhere. This business about hating the sin but loving the sinner is really just so much smoke and mirrors; nobody believes it anyway. If a person is intrinsically disordered, and God created that person, then God screwed up.”

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays (UPDATED)

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
Updated October 17, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

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UPDATE: Some words in the English translation of the relatio post disceptationem or interim report of the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family have been changed.

The AP reports that “A section initially titled ‘Welcoming homosexuals’ is now ‘Providing for homosexual persons,’ and the tone of the text is significantly colder and less welcoming. … The first version asked if the church was capable of ‘welcoming these people, guaranteeing to them a fraternal space in our communities.’ The new version asks if the church is capable of providing for these people, guaranteeing … them … a place of fellowship in our communities.'”

The the original Italian version of the relatio remains the official text, and still contains the original “welcoming” language, leading an Italian cardinal to wonder if Italy would see an influx of gay Catholics yearning to be welcomed into the Church, rather than just being provided for.

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 14, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to wounded, damaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

The Pope’s Fool News Service asked our person on the street, Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center, for a reaction. Rolling her eyes, she said, “The pathetic thing is that changing vocabulary from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is considered earth-shaking progress. When they start ordaining women, gay or otherwise, I’ll start paying attention.”