Smelly Sheep Claims Preaching Better on TV than from Pulpit

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 23, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)CHICAGO, IL (TPF) — This just in, from our correspondent on the ground amongst the cohort of the smelly sheep on the margins of the Roman Catholic faithful, speaking to Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center. “You know, I watched a rerun of the show Bones on TV last night, and I swear, it was the best sermon I’ve heard in years. Certainly better than anything I hear up there,” she said, pointing her thumb up the road to the local Catholic Church, Saints Melodius and Catheter. “So there was the usual grisly murder they had to forensically solve, but as that played out, Bones was oddly secretive about the whereabouts of her partner and mate Seeley Booth, saying only that he was at the hospital. Of course everyone was worried about the situation during the whole episode,” she continued, “but at the end Bones reveals to her friend that Booth was volunteering to help little kids with brain tumors, and had organized a carnival for them. When asked why Booth kept it a secret, Bones, who is an atheist, responded by quoting First Corinthians, 13:4. ‘Charity suffers long and is kind, charity envies not, charity brags not itself, it is not puffed up,’ she says, and explains that Booth takes that to mean that real charity is anonymous. She says Booth didn’t even want her to know. Not bad, huh?” Lily concluded. “A fine example of the natural law in action. Maybe the yokes up the road ought to take a lesson or two from the big bad secular world with its evil agendas and dictatorships of relativism. They might keep more people in the pews if they did.”

Conservative Bishops Claim Faithful Easily Confused If Not Gobsmackingly Stupid

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 22, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)

VATICAN CITY (TPF) — In the wake of the 2014 Synod of Bishops on the Family, conservative bishops are voicing serious concerns about the effect of Synod will have on the faithful.

“They’re out there, all by themselves,” said one archbishop, speaking on background, “having to navigate around in the secular world, with all the sex and media and agendas of evil and dictatorships of relativism and whatnot. And then the Pope goes and opens up all these settled questions for discussion,” he said, throwing up his arms. “What are the people to think? It must be giving them enormous anxiety to see their structure of authority shaken. I mean if the Church can’t judge, who can? Love and mercy are all well and good, but they hardly suffice today. You need rules and regulations to maintain pristine doctrinal purity. What we have now is a big mess. I don’t know how the people will handle it,” he sighed. “This confusion is of the devil.”

Meanwhile, The Pope’s Fool News Service reports this from our person on the street, Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center in Chicago. “You know, some part of me feels a little sorry for these guys. They’ve built their whole lives around a certain framework of doctrine, as well as obedience to the Pope, and now all of a sudden it’s all upside down. I get it. But hey, that’s life. You just have to do the best you can.”

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays (UPDATED)

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
Updated October 17, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

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UPDATE: Some words in the English translation of the relatio post disceptationem or interim report of the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family have been changed.

The AP reports that “A section initially titled ‘Welcoming homosexuals’ is now ‘Providing for homosexual persons,’ and the tone of the text is significantly colder and less welcoming. … The first version asked if the church was capable of ‘welcoming these people, guaranteeing to them a fraternal space in our communities.’ The new version asks if the church is capable of providing for these people, guaranteeing … them … a place of fellowship in our communities.'”

The the original Italian version of the relatio remains the official text, and still contains the original “welcoming” language, leading an Italian cardinal to wonder if Italy would see an influx of gay Catholics yearning to be welcomed into the Church, rather than just being provided for.

Synod Stuns Planet by Proposing Use of “Nice” Words re Gays

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 14, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Roman Catholics around the world were gobsmacked when the Extraordinary Synod of Bishops on the Family issued its relatio post disceptationem, or interim report. Variously described as an earthquake, the big one, seismic, groundbreaking, and shocking, on the one hand, and shameful and completely wrong on the other, the relatio suggested that the bishops are considering the possibility of speaking in a more gentle way about cohabiting couples, divorced and remarried parishioners, and gay Catholics and their children. As explained by John Allen on PBS Newshour, it authorizes “people at the grass roots to feel good about the fact that you can be both a faithful Catholic, and you can be friends with gays and lesbians, you can be friends with people who are living together outside of marriage, you can be friends with people who are divorced and remarried,” without approving their lifestyles.

The consensus is that even though no doctrine is changing, the mere fact that the Church’s vocabulary might move from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to wounded, damaged, and broken, is a stunner. As PBS Newshour’s Judy Woodruff said, “It’s certainly gotten our attention.” The shift is best summed up by Cardinal Dolan, who said, “The bishops are speaking with immense love and tenderness about their people, especially about their broken people.”

Later Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, clarified that doctrine was indeed not changing, and that while the Church still considers the homosexual lifestyle intrinsically disordered, sex outside marriage gravely immoral, and Catholics who remarry without an annulment basically adulterers, the bishops are trying to figure out a nicer way to communicate those doctrines.

The Pope’s Fool News Service asked our person on the street, Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center, for a reaction. Rolling her eyes, she said, “The pathetic thing is that changing vocabulary from evil, gravely immoral, and intrinsically disordered, to woundeddamaged, and broken, is considered earth-shaking progress. When they start ordaining women, gay or otherwise, I’ll start paying attention.”