New Survey Finds Catholics Enjoying Not Being Mortified by Hierarchy

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
March 10, 2015

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — As the two-year anniversary of the election of Pope Francis approaches, a new survey shows a huge majority of Catholics view him favorably. “He’s the best,” said Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Roman Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center. “He acts like an actual Christian, which brings us back to the basics of the faith. But even more than that, his example has muzzled the crazies in the hierarchy,” she said. “Well, at least for the most part. What a relief. Before, if it wasn’t yet another story of a bishop covering up sexual abuse, it was some wing nut firing gay people or spouting off about the President of the United States being a Nazi. I mean, seriously. There was a time, you know,” said Lily, waxing nostalgic, “when the clergy and the bishops were acting in the public square doing honorable things and not embarrassing the faithful. They were on the forefront of the labor movement and of civil rights. Like Father Hesburgh, at Notre Dame. They don’t make them like that anymore. For the longest time, it was all, ‘oh let’s parrot everything the Pope says, that’s how we get ahead, and bag the big diocese and the red hat.’ And then the whole Fortnight of Freedom contraception thing? Really?”

Survey results support her opinion. Of Catholics surveyed, a majority chose “Doesn’t embarrass us” as the most frequent reason to like the Pope. (Multiple options could be chosen.)

Reasons why faithful like Pope Francis

And while the faithful await his evolution on issues relating to women, they appreciate what he has done to date. “I can’t wait until he comes and speaks to the U.S. Congress in the fall,” said Lily. “I’d like to see Paul Ryan blow his so-called Catholic smoke after the Pope’s speech, to try and justify the free market as a moral framework. That’s going to be a doozie!”

Cardinal Shocked that Birth Control Encyclical Lacks Natural Law Argument

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 28, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Overheard by our source on the street in a trattoria in the Trastevere district of Rome, just down the river from the Vatican.

“Holy crap, Andy! I haven’t read my Aquinas in a while, but looking through this thing,” he said, pointing to a printout of the birth control encyclical Humanae Vitae sitting on the table between them, “I’m hard-pressed to find an actual natural law argument in it.” The speaker was Cardinal Jann Lazzamotti, newly appointed member of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican congregation responsible for promoting and safeguarding faith and morals throughout the Catholic world.

“When’s the last time you’ve read through it, Your Eminence?” asked his associate, auxiliary Bishop Andrew Blackwood.

“Probably when it came out, over 45 years ago,” replied the cardinal.

“Indeed,” said the bishop. “Be that as it may, you raise a good point, a point that was made more than once at the time of the encyclical’s release. You might recall the uproar it caused and the push-back against it, not only from theologians and the faithful, but even from the bishops. As I recall, fewer than half of the world’s bishop conferences received it without attempting to mitigate its message. The point you raise might also explain why 95% of the faithful have studiously ignored it.”

“It’s just a reiteration of previous papal teaching banning birth control, except for the Pope Pius XII carve-out for natural family planning,” he continued, picking up the encyclical and waving it in front of him. “There is no natural law argument in this, just declarations! And they don’t even make sense!”

“That is unfortunate for what is alleged to be a natural law argument,” replied the bishop, “which by its very nature is a creature of reason, and therefore must make sense. Your Eminence might reflect upon the possibility that the faithful intuitively figured this out a long time ago.”

The cardinal stared at the bishop for a few seconds, and then at the encyclical in his hand. After that, he flagged down the waiter and ordered another bottle of wine.

Catholic Hierarchy Roiled by Outbreak of Discourse

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
September 30, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — In a first since the end of Vatican Council II, members of the hierarchy of the Catholic Church are engaging in public disputations. This phenomenon, harking back to medieval times when churchmen actually disagreed with each other, in public, on the critical issues of the day, has produced shockwaves among the faithful, generating news stories, blog posts, innumerable tweets, and the occasional rant. Dropping the usual obsequiousness with which members of the hierarchy treat each other, some Princes of the Church are busting out with unadorned honesty, unheard of among the gentility of the Church. Cardinal Raymond Burke, speaking of Cardinal Walter Kasper, who claims his position on reforming Church rules align with those of the Pope, threw this one out there: “I find it amazing that the cardinal claims to speak for the pope,” said Burke. “The pope doesn’t have laryngitis. The pope is not mute. He can speak for himself. If this is what he wants, he will say so.”

And Robert Mickens, of late returned from exile and writing his Letter from Rome for ww.globalpulsemagazine.com reports this: “Bishop Johan Bonny of Antwerp, a former official at the Pontifical Council for Promoting Christian Unity, has so far offered the most significant support of the Kasper position. In a 22-page paper he argued for carefully drafting a new approach to marriage and family life that would be marked by mercy, respect for individual conscience and even doctrinal developments. Like the cardinal, he has infuriated the self-styled guardians of Truth who loudly proclaim that Pope Francis does not support the Kasper-Bonny proposals, but who, privately, are not quite sure.”

Move over, Days of Our Lives!