Smelly Sheep Claims Preaching Better on TV than from Pulpit

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 23, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)CHICAGO, IL (TPF) — This just in, from our correspondent on the ground amongst the cohort of the smelly sheep on the margins of the Roman Catholic faithful, speaking to Lily Lonigan, a sixty-something Catholic who works at the Polkadot Shamrock Bar, Internet Cafe and Daycare Center. “You know, I watched a rerun of the show Bones on TV last night, and I swear, it was the best sermon I’ve heard in years. Certainly better than anything I hear up there,” she said, pointing her thumb up the road to the local Catholic Church, Saints Melodius and Catheter. “So there was the usual grisly murder they had to forensically solve, but as that played out, Bones was oddly secretive about the whereabouts of her partner and mate Seeley Booth, saying only that he was at the hospital. Of course everyone was worried about the situation during the whole episode,” she continued, “but at the end Bones reveals to her friend that Booth was volunteering to help little kids with brain tumors, and had organized a carnival for them. When asked why Booth kept it a secret, Bones, who is an atheist, responded by quoting First Corinthians, 13:4. ‘Charity suffers long and is kind, charity envies not, charity brags not itself, it is not puffed up,’ she says, and explains that Booth takes that to mean that real charity is anonymous. She says Booth didn’t even want her to know. Not bad, huh?” Lily concluded. “A fine example of the natural law in action. Maybe the yokes up the road ought to take a lesson or two from the big bad secular world with its evil agendas and dictatorships of relativism. They might keep more people in the pews if they did.”

Synod 2015 Searching for Contracepting, Cohabiting, Divorced, and Gay Couples to Testify

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 23, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — According to several people familiar with next year’s plans for the 2015 Synod of Bishops on the Family, organizers are looking for users of artificial contraception, cohabiting couples, gay Catholics, and the divorced and remarried to act as “auditors” to testify before the bishops. Our sources spoke on condition of anonymity because they are prohibited from publicly discussing the plans, but noted that they wanted to find Catholics who were wounded, damaged, and broken—in effect, the smelly sheep on the margins of the laity. “We want to get some actual sinners in there, you know, the intrinsically disordered,” said one source. “Many of these bishops don’t have much pastoral experience, so it would be good for them to meet these wounded and broken people close up. If they were wowed by the Australian couple testifying about their friends’ inviting their gay son and his partner to Christmas dinner, this group is sure to steal the show, to say nothing of spinning a few mitres.” Another source noted that such auditors shouldn’t be hard to find, as together they make up an overwhelming majority of the faithful, at least in the West.

Pope Francis Prays that Sheep (Smelly and Otherwise) Now Speak with Honesty and Courage

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 18, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — Our reporter on the ground at the Vatican reports that after delivering his speech at the close of the Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops, Pope Francis sat down, lowered his head, and offered the following prayer:

“Dear lord, please help my sheep, smelly and otherwise, speak with honesty and courage on how to best spread your good Word. I realize intellectual freedom hasn’t exactly been nurtured of late, what with the mandatums and the investigations and the firings. But the ball is plainly in their court. The bishops have spoken; now it’s their turn. I pray my sheep will pull their own weight, and give an old pope a break. I may exercise supreme legislative, executive, and judicial power in the Church, but these bishops and curial guys can be tough nuts. I need the help of my people. Lord, give them strength. Amen.”

Pope Francis

Fearing Conservative Backlash, Synod Bishops Suggest Scripture Change

By The Pope’s Fool News Service
October 16, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — An updated English translation for the New Testament has been suggested today by a group of bishops attending the Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops in the Vatican. The change would remove the word “welcome” and replace it with “make provision for,” especially in those verses relating to people considered to be the “smelly sheep on the margins.” Cardinal Pizzicato, head of the Pontifical Council for Congregations, explained the impetus behind the change. “For example, in Matthew 25, it would reduce confusion among the faithful if it read, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you made provision for me.’ And this one,” he continued, “from Luke, describing the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttering about Jesus. ‘This man makes provision for sinners, and eats with them.’ We don’t want to give the wrong impression. The current wording is too vague and liberal sounding. And well have to see about that whole ‘eating with them’ thing,” he said. “We don’t want the faithful to misinterpret the Gospels and think that it’s okay to sin. Going forward, we also think it’s more comfortable to ‘make provision’ for one another as Christ ‘made provision’ for us.”

When asked why only the English translation of the New Testament is being considered for such changes, Cardinal Pizzicato replied, “I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.”