Pope Announces New Congregation Charged with Noticing the Modern World

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
December 1, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)VATICAN CITY (TPF) — The Vatican announced today that as part of the reorganization of the Roman Curia, Pope Francis is establishing a new congregation charged with the study the modern world. Called the Congregation for Modernity, it is to be headed by Archbishop Madre del Dio Obviamente.

“Ever since the Enlightenment,” said Archbishop Obviamente, “and especially since the First Vatican Council, the Church and the modern world have had a bit of a rocky relationship. The church is slowly starting to recognize, if not outright admit, that some teachings from that time, although considered ‘doctrine,’ may have in fact been slightly flawed. This includes the papacy’s longstanding condemnations of freedom of conscience, freedom of religion for other faiths, freedom of speech, participation in elections, democracy, historical analysis, ecumenism, literary criticism of the Bible, and the study of the early Church Fathers.”

“As it says in Vatican II’s Gaudium et Spes,” he continued, “we must notice ‘the whole human family along with the sum of those realities in the midst of which it lives; that world which is the theater of man’s history, and the heir of his energies, his tragedies and his triumphs.’ Thus, it is time to consider the advancements the modern world has made, in accordance with the natural law, and in light of the actions of the Holy Spirit, who can choose to work outside the friendly confines of Holy Mother the Church.”

When asked the scope of the new Congregation’s inquiry, the Archbishop replied that it would delve into what the secular world considers “progress,” focusing in particular on issues of good governance, including democracy, fair representation, checks and balances, the rule of law, free speech, accountability, transparency, and modern standards of justice. When asked whether any lessons learned would be applied to the governance of the Church itself, Archbishop Obviamente had no comment. He also noted that while the modern world has made great progress concerning the rights of women, the question of gender equality in the Church will not be addressed, due to the special dignity in which women are held.

Other sources in the Vatican were quick to point out that while the Congregation for Modernity is studying the matter, it should not be inferred that any doctrine will ever change. Likewise, Vatican City State will continue to be governed as an absolute monarchy, with the Pope as the Head of State, holding full legislative, executive and judicial powers.

Roman Catholic Cardinal Speaks Honestly; Church Fails to Collapse

By The The Pope’s Fool News Service
November 17, 2014

The Popes Fool News Service (We Make Stuff Up)CHICAGO, IL (TPF) — As the terminator crossed from east to west and Monday morning dawned in Catholic America, early Masses were offered, young Catholic girls and boys trotted off to school, monasteries chanted Lauds, Catholic hospitals changed shifts, Catholic social service organizations opened their doors, and Catholic high schools, colleges, and universities continued to educate their students. The fabric of the Catholic Church in America remained intact, despite the fact that on the previous day, on national television, a Cardinal Prince of the Church reprimanded the powerful Vatican Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF). Cardinal Seán Patrick O’Malley of Boston, interviewed on “60 Minutes,” said that the CDF’s investigation into the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, an association of the leaders of congregations of Catholic women religious in the United States, was “a disaster.” He also allowed that if he founded a church, he would ordain women.

St. Francis of Assisi Church, Chicago

Yet the Church has not caved in, crumpled, or otherwise collapsed. Belief in the Trinity, the Incarnation, the Resurrection, and the sacraments remains intact, such as it is. The only sound that could be heard was the deep, rumbling wail of the episcopal groupthink slowly beginning to crack open.