Aunt Theresa yells at Andrew Cuomo and Amy Coney Barrett

I’ve said a million times that most of the problems of the world could be settled by my Aunt Theresa sitting at her kitchen table with whatever miscreants were acting out at the time. Today we have Governor Andrew Cuomo and Justice Amy Coney Barrett, both just off a Supreme Court kerfuffle about closing churches during the pandemic. So Aunt Theresa and the two are in the kitchen …

Now here, kids, I just made some coffee and I’ve got some nice plum kuchen coming out of the oven, so come on in and sit down and we’ll talk about it.

I know you two want to get your way on this thing and you both think it’s very important, but honestly you both might be getting just a little bit carried away.

Andy. Andy. Settle down and think about it. Amy has a point here you know. People just want to go to church for heaven’s sake. Some churches are as big as football fields and others are just tiny little chapels. You know what I’m talking about? You gotta get that size thing in there.

And Amy! Good for you for standing up for freedom of religion. But you know, hon, the secular world isn’t exactly pounding on your door ready to drag you off to be burned at the stake for your faith. It’s okay, dear, just take a breath. Andy here is just trying to keep the people safe from a deadly disease. I’m sure we can work something out.

And one more thing for the both of you. You need to keep your hands off those lawsuits! They are terribly expensive, and you know how they can lead to the most unexpected results!

So, what do you think we can do? On the one hand, Andy needs to keep people from packing into a closed space and singing and breathing on each other for an hour. Amy, look at me. We don’t want everyone catching coronavirus and dying from Covid. And Andy, people do need to go to church!

(Andy and Amy sit quietly staring at their plum kuchen.)

I mean really. You two. Okay. Here’s what we can do. Andy, set your measuring dingus by how big the church is. One person in every row, one on the far left and one on the far right. Should give you a good distance. And make them open the bloody church windows and doors. Churches are always freezing or boiling anyway. And Amy, recognize some limits here please. People still have to follow the law to keep everyone safe inside a church as well as outside of one.

Okay, kids. Now finish your food and get out of here and go play. No more fighting. I don’t want to have to talk to you again.